The popular phrase in many Nollywood movies, “Wonders shall never end” echoes ever so menacingly in this society, the latest justification of this being 24 year old Joseph Kiwanuka who last week graduated from Hilltop University with a Bachelor of Business Administration degree.
Joseph like many of his classmates suffered severe head trauma and brain damage after the cloud of euphoria on which they rode Thursday last week suddenly vanished from right beneath them, causing them to fall several hundred feet to the hard ground. “I can’t remember exactly what happened,” narrates Joseph, “all I know is that one minute we were all excited and jubilant, and the next I had this nasty skull splitting pain in my head and my stomach was grumbling endlessly.”
Alex Ocen, a Meteorologist says this phenomenon is known as a reality check and occurs quite commonly among the young inexperienced and unexposed of this earth. He explains further that in the case of Joseph, a highly reactive gas, “real-ex” neutralized the euphoric elements in the cloud, causing it to disintegrate. What Joseph is experiencing now, he says, is a side effect of that reaction, a condition known as reality.
Joseph has yet to find paying full time employment and at the moment is still pondering what his next move should be. “This hunger is unbearable; I survive on one lousy meal of kikomando a day because it’s all I can afford. My parents say they’ve done their part and can offer me no more,” laments a visibly distraught Joseph. “The only solution to this hunger might be some of that holy rice I heard is on sale. Apparently thou shalt hunger no more once thou consumeth this divine cereal so I just need to find a ka fifty thousand shillings for a kilo and I’m sorted for life!” Joseph’s younger brother however told this reporter that what his elder brother needed was a “weed-man”, and not a “rice-man” since apparently there has been only one known holy plant in history and it isn’t rice but rather “weed.” This claim however cannot at the moment be substantiated. To acquire the said holy plants though, money is required and that problem, Joseph says, can only be addressed by the president. “A ‘Presidential handshake’ would definitely be too big for me plus it would draw public attention, so something in the range of a presidential fart would suffice,” he says. It is only common sense Joseph says, that a fart is usually silent and often goes unnoticed and in the event that it does get noticed, people are too shy or embarrassed to speak about it. (Genius, right?)
Thousands of youth remain in distress suffering from reality checks, clueless about any cures or remedial treatments. We can only hope that like Joseph they get innovative and think their way out of their anguish.