“Been to hell and back; I can show you vouchers,” was a line in his verse in Eminem’s hit track “No love”. To many it was just another poetic flow by Dwayne Carter aka Lil Wayne, but it turns out it is the actual truth as this reporter discovered from the rapper himself.

As he handed over three vouchers stamped with the authentic seal of hell, the self-styled “hottest nigga under the sun” revealed that it all happened one night in March, 2009 when he overdosed on crack and lost consciousness. “I fell for what seemed like ages through a black hole until finally I landed in a chair right next to Satan in his cell in hell,” he began. “He wasn’t the forty-foot-tall red gigantic horned beast I expected. He was a pretty regular guy except for the bat wings sticking out of his back. He was shocked and excited to see me; said he was a fan and all, even had all my albums on his iPod, some Vybez Kartel, Michael Jackson, name it, he had pretty good taste in music.” Weezy F. Baby’s account of hell seems the most absurd by far. Contrary to previous accounts, he described hell as a colossal prison where all the worst people throughout history are locked up for eternity; from mass murderers like Adolf Hitler and King Leopold to snitches like Judas Iscariot and numbers growing every day. There was no lake, but rather a mega shower room of fire and brimstone in which all inmates had to have their morning and evening showers.

From their chat according to Weezy, the prince of darkness feels it’s hard enough doing time (eternity) with no parole for his transgressions, being stuck with the biggest douche bags in history makes it the more unbearable for any being. Apparently, thousands of requests by him for a solitary confinement cell have been turned down by God. What’s worse is that humans are forever blaming him for everything that doesn’t go their way. “He was like, ‘I don’t get it Weezy, I’m down here behind bars in maximum security guarded by supernatural powers and humans think I somehow sneak out every so often and whisper in their ears telling them to go steal, rape, and murder, aint that some crazy shit?’” Weezy narrates. “Keeping those rowdy idiots in order is a full time job; he hardly watches the news or knows what’s going on here on earth. He didn’t even know Obama was president.” Wayne says he was just about to ask why and how he wound up in Lucifer’s cell when he woke up to Birdman giving him CPR but nonetheless there was a reason behind his little trip down the rabbit hole.

Like the ones before, Weezy’s testimony cannot be verified but if there’s any truth at all to it, then we must be one messed up bunch.


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