Editor’s Intro (Just for just)

You definitely never heard it here first, but nonetheless we will tell you about Stella Nyanzi’s strip tease. Yes, we all saw the drama that unfolded atop the hill of the learned, orchestrated by one of the most learned of the learned (sic): our dear Dr. Stella; some were utterly bewildered, the majority perverts excited, and the sexually disoriented guys (or whatever you call them) and a one Lokodo totally repulsed by Stella’s hitherto unconventional antics. Our reporter at the scene filed the following report.


Jungle Reporter

Extreme situations call for extreme measures: guerilla warfare, suicide bombings, and now nudism. This isn’t the first time Ugandan’s have been treated to a display of female private parts, and it doesn’t look like it will be the last either as the frenzy seems to be gaining momentum at a worryingly fast rate. On the positive side however, Dr. Stella Nyanzi’s has been the most pleasant, or at any rate, the least disturbing nude protest in the history of the practice, and now it has emerged that stripping naked is the quickest and surest way to get whatever the hell it is that one wants from whoever the hell it is that holds it. A Psychology don (name withheld) from a Kansanga-based university has been studying human behavioral patterns for the past thirty six hours and completely agrees that nudism possesses more convincing power than the once-magic word, “please.” He has studied video footage of the Nyanzi incident from media houses and Makerere University CCTV cameras in slow motion, frame by frame, zoomed in and out for thirty six hours, and he is convinced beyond any doubt that the tactic is one hundred percent fool proof. To prove this, he says the tactic has already rendered him helpless to the demands of Dr. Nyanzi and he would gladly give her anything she asked for and even more, in fact the doors of his house are henceforward open to her.

There appears to be much truth to the thesis by this expert on behaviour. In fact, other tactics employed by Ugandans in getting what they want have failed abysmally, some more than others. The foul body odour of a beggar on Kampala road combined with the fact that he has no limbs is not enough to move most people to drop a coin. Hon. Geoffrey Ekanya of the ninth parliament was in the process of hanging/strangling himself (before he was restrained), demanding a new district, and the best he got out of deputy speaker Jacob Oulanya was a bored uninterested look. The only method known to deliver results quicker and of greater stature is eating rats – live rats – in front of the president; however, it results in many undesirable side effects to both the user and the victim, and is considered the method of last resort, the atomic bomb by many experts on extortion. We can only wait on in anticipation of what next will befall our eyes and this great nation.


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