There are many unsolved mysteries to date in the Jungle Republic, and the list grows longer by the day (and a bit more by night). While detectives, forensics, and other experts were cogitating over who really killed Captain Alex, and what hazardous components occupy a leopard’s anus, another mystery was brought to their attention: the whereabouts of Mary Luswata.

Missing Milk Carton - 2zxDa-3i09d - print        luswata-new

None can recall accurately the last time they sighted the motor-mouthed self-styled queen of sting, whether on their TV screens or on the streets of Kampala. The only place she has turned up is on the missing persons’ list, though it also remains to be established who put her there, with some commentators suggesting it could have been one or a group of her concerned loving fans. The theories explaining Mary’s disappearance are diverse; some outright strange, and the reactions mixed. Miriam (not real name), a trader in Kikubo believes her favourite TV presenter was kidnapped by goons affiliated to local artistes who she consistently dissed on national television. “People don’t just vanish into thin air. It definitely has to be one of Chameleone’s or Bobi Wine’s hoodlums behind this. What are the cops waiting for? Motive has been established banange,” Miriam relates. Not far from Miriam’s line of thought is a MUBS student preferring anonymity who believes Luswata was abducted by the Krang, a species of aliens from outer space, and is probably at this very moment being subjected to a series of horrid and abominable “experiments” aboard the Krang space ship. However, many Ugandans are indifferent to Luswata’s disappearance; one such person is Marie, 26, an accountant, who says she hadn’t even noticed it. “Honestly, I hadn’t realized until you mentioned it to me; she was that insignificant, and her show was trashy to say the least. Good riddance!”

No official communication has been issued from Mary’s last known employer but rumour around the media house has it that she was successfully courted by American entertainment powerhouse HBO and is currently on location in New Zealand finalizing the shooting of the sixth season of the hit TV series: Game of Thrones in which she was casted for the role of Sofia, the dirty mistress of fellow midget Tyrion Lannister.


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